They can have my toilet paper when they pry it from between my cold, dead butt cheeks

The bad news is that the environmental movement wishes to interfere with our bowel movements. From the tree killers at The NY Times:

The national obsession with soft paper has driven the growth of brands like Cottonelle Ultra, Quilted Northern Ultra and Charmin Ultra — which in 2008 alone increased its sales by 40 percent in some markets, according to Information Resources, Inc., a marketing research firm.

But fluffiness comes at a price: millions of trees harvested in North America and in Latin American countries, including some percentage of trees from rare old-growth forests in Canada. Although toilet tissue can be made at similar cost from recycled material, it is the fiber taken from standing trees that help give it that plush feel, and most large manufacturers rely on them. [snip]

The country’s soft-tissue habit — call it the Charmin effect — has not escaped the notice of environmentalists, who are increasingly making toilet tissue manufacturers the targets of campaigns. Greenpeace on Monday for the first time issued a national guide for American consumers that rates toilet tissue brands on their environmental soundness. With the recession pushing the price for recycled paper down and Americans showing more willingness to repurpose everything from clothing to tires, environmental groups want more people to switch to recycled toilet tissue.

“No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper,” said Dr. Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist and waste expert with the Natural Resource Defense Council.

There is an upside in all of this, however. Greenpeace has published a guide which will probably serve consumers actually looking for more cush for the tush. It will also help those who don’t like a raw, red nose when suffering from a cold or allergies, too. All the reader has to do is pick a product from Greenpeace’s “to be avoided” list.

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  • http://www.orderhotlunch.com Jeff Molby

    There is an upside in all of this, however.

    As long as they don’t try to legislate their list, this is nothing but “upside”. It’s fine by me if someone wants to sell “Greenpeace Certified” toilet paper to enviromentalists.

  • http://gordonunleashed.com/blog/ Stephen Gordon

    I agree.

    So long as they don’t try to use government force to force scratchy toilet paper up my butt, I’m perfectly fine with it. I simply appreciate the buying guide and the chance for some quick snark.

  • Akston

    Billy Wilder is quoted as saying:

    “France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands but you can’t tear the toilet paper”

    Guess we’re headed that way in America too?

  • Peter

    “No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper”

    Well, except for the forest that were, um, planted to grow trees to make toilet paper?

  • http://kponly.blogspot.com Ryan

    …what I want to know is what kind of person is sitting on the toilet and thinks to themselves… hmm, this toilet paper is hurting the environment. For real, who has time to come up with these things?

  • Akston

    There is a joke in here somewhere about Anal Retention and the compulsive desire to control everyone and everything around you. I’m working on it.