Category Archives: Humor

Lieutenant Dan For President!

Hey, at least the Republicans are looking outside the box. But as Radley Balko notes, a commitment to ideas might be a little bit more important than papering over your problems with a fresh new face:

Nicolle Wallace, a top adviser to George W. Bush and John McCain’s presidential campaign, is adding a few names to the list of Republicans who might lead the GOP out of the wilderness.

Top among them? Actor Gary Sinise.

Wallace, writing on The Daily Beast, said she first heard the idea from a fellow Republican.

“The natural strengths that an actor brings to politics would come in handy to anyone going up against Obama in 2012,” she wrote. “We will need an effective communicator who can stand toe to toe with Obama’s eloquence.”

Was Wallace the same advisor that suggested Sarah “Wink, Wink!” Palin as a VP choice?

In all fairness, though, Sinise did get those Apollo 13 astronauts home safely. Credit where credit is due and all that…

At least it’s not Ricky Schroeder.

Snort! Guffaw! Snicker! LOL!

I don’t like getting into the political horse-trading. I frankly care very little about what happens in Congress, because I think they’re all a bunch of crooks and I want them all to go screw themselves.

But funny is funny:

The Democratic leader in the Senate promised Sen. Arlen Specter he would retain his seniority when he jumped from the Republican to the Democratic Party, Specter said on Wednesday, but faced “pushback” from other Democratic senators.

The full Senate voted Tuesday to strip Specter of his seniority, dropping him to the bottom of the pile on every committee he sits on.

“Sen. [Harry] Reid said that I would maintain my committee assignments and that my seniority would be established as if I’d been elected in 1980 as a Democrat,” the long-serving Pennsylvania senator told CNN’s Dana Bash.

Reid’s spokesman, Jim Manley, said, “There was no miscommunication.”

Yep, there was no miscommunication. Reid intended to lie all along.

Is there ANY chance this will end with a duel of pistols at high noon? Pretty please??

Hat Tip: dispatches from TJICistan

Yet another Truther gives the freedom movement some positive media attention

denniskucinichI’m taken to task in the comments every time I write about how Truthers and other conspiracy theorists harm the freedom movement.  Now that someone has just been arrested for posting threats on Twitter, let’s take a look at how the newspaper reported (emphasis added) the individual accused of the threat:

According to an FBI criminal complaint, Daniel Knight Hayden, who went by the name CitizenQuasar on a popular microblogging site, threatened murder on several occasions in the run-up to tax day.

On April 11 he posted a message on Twitter that said,”The WAR wWIL [sic] start on the stepes [sic] of the Oklahoma State Capitol. I will cast the first stone.”

That message was followed by others that said, “”START THE KILLING NOW” and  “After I am killed on the Capitol Steps, like a REAL man, the rest of you will REMEMBER ME!!!”  He also wrote “I really don’t give a (expletive) anymore. Send the cops around. I will cut their heads off the heads and throw the(m) on the State Capitol steps.”

He then wrote life wasn’t worth living in Oklahoma – without listing any reasons – feigned he has been drinking too much and posted the name and home phone number of a man he believed was a local tea party organizer, instructing his followers to “REMEMBER this name.”

The last Twitter message posted by Mr. Hayden on April 15 said, “Locked AND loaded for the Oklahoma State Capitol. Let’s see what happens.”

Special agent Michael S. Puskas wrote in his complaint that he tracked Mr. Hayden down through his computer’s IP address and his public MySpace profile.

Wired Magazine believes this is the first criminal prosecution to arise from postings on Twitter.

Liberal bloggers quickly pointed to Mr. Hayden to validate the Obama’s administation’s report about the rise of right-wing extremism. Mr. Hayden’s online posting are obviously anti-government, although his political persuasions do not appear to be linked to any party.

Several political videos are posted on Mr. Hayden’s MySpace account, including one known as a “truther” documentary, accusing President Bush of being responsible for the 9/11 attacks.

A video heavy blog by Mr. Hayden posted on April 6 suggests President Obama has hypnotized his supporters and a prominently featured quote in his profile from The Gulag Archipelago says, “And how we burned in the camps later, thinking: What would things have been like if every Security operative, when he went out at night to make an arrest, had been uncertain whether he would return alive and had to say goodbye to his family?”

Now look at his MySpace page.  Of his incoherent video and written ramblings, I’m not sure of which I like best:

  • Male – 52 years old – Oklahoma City, Oklahoma – United States
  • Alex Jones Interviewed by Russia Today: “U.S. is a puppet of private bankers .”
  • Hoagland on The Monuments of Mars
  • Republic Broadcasting Network: Because you CAN handle the truth
  • Prophesy reveal American pentagram

This one is self-explanatory:

Citizen Quasar ‘s Details
Status: Single

While I feel a bit sorry for the person in question, at this moment, he has 474 friends (including Dennis Kucinich, Dylan Avery and Alex Jones) on his MySpace page.  That’s truly scary.

Of course, the conspiracy theorists will all suggest that this was planned by Obama in preparation for the April 15th Tea Parties and that thermite was found behind the grassy knoll which was paid for by the Jews.  In truth, I’ve paid myself with Arizona desert moon rock sales.

Disclosure: I was paid by the CFR, Illuminati and the Bilderbergers to write this.  I’m currently en route to meet with the Jewish banking cartel so I can take over the world next week.  I also have 666 tattoos of the very-same pyramid one can find on the one dollar bill on both my forehead and one of my wrists. Timothy LaHaye is probably writing a new book about me right now. Don’t tell anyone, but we all plan to meet at Area 51 at midnight on Friday.  See you there.

Quote Of The Day

CEO of a Danish wind energy company being very uncouth:

Ditlev Engel, president and chief executive of the Danish wind-energy company Vestas, said anecdotal evidence about birds being caught in turbine blades and other environmental horror stories do not usually hold up under scrutiny.

“Do people think it’s better all those birds are breathing CO2? I’m not a scientist, but I doubt it,” said Engel, whose company is expanding its U.S. manufacturing and distribution operations. “Let’s get the facts on the table and not the feelings. The fact is, these are not issues.”

Yeah, I know… All those birds inhaling oxygen and exhaling CO2? Think of the carbon footprint!

I say kill all the birds. It’s good for the environment.

Yes, I realize he was saying that we should reduce CO2 to make the air safer for the birds… Which was my second reaction. My first reaction is that above.

Hat Tip: Coyote Blog

Our Tax Day Protest, and Celebration

We’re not going to a tea party; mostly because we have jobs, and also because I think they’re both great, and ineffective.

Great, because it’s amazing that so many people are making it known publicly that they don’t want to have their freedoms abridged, and more of their money stolen from them.

Ineffective because basically all protesting is ineffective; unless the media is actively on your side, and making the protests seem huge, and significant etc….

Let’s face it folks, we could have 5 million people out there on tax day; the media would still report it as “a few right wing whackos, who are racist because they don’t support Obama, and hate poor people because they don’t want to have the government steal all their money”.

The only media reporting on the Tea Parties in any meaningful way (including the supposedly conservative Fox news; who are reporting in their typical populist and shallow manner) are the alternative conservative and libertarian media; like our blogs and other websites, and talk radio.

In effect we are playing to the home crowd with the Tea Parties. It’s a great pep rally and all; and I’m glad they are happening, but I don’t want to participate.

Besides which, there’s a lot of standing around at these things, and I’ve got bad knees.

I prefer more direct action. Lawsuits are a good start. Refusing to pay unlawful and unconstitutional taxes are also good; and generally result in lawsuits or even criminal prosecutions which can be taken to the supreme court etc…

Also, direct contact with your congresscritters tends to have at least some effect… sometimes… Make them understand that their constituents won’t vote for them if they don’t vote for tax cuts, spending cuts, etc…

So instead of standing around and getting all shouty, our tax day celebration and protest will involve pork.

Not the kind that Washington generates; the kind that you eat with sauce, beer, and cornbread. We’re going to be smoking pounds and pounds of pork, and then consuming it; along with other delicious comestibles.

We’re also going to be playing with firearms, and consuming large quantities of alcohol (obviously not simultaneously). We’d throw tobacco in for the full ATF trio, but none of us actually use the stuff.

I am a cynically romantic optimistic pessimist. I am neither liberal, nor conservative. I am a (somewhat disgruntled) muscular minarchist… something like a constructive anarchist.

Basically what that means, is that I believe, all things being equal, responsible adults should be able to do whatever the hell they want to do, so long as nobody’s getting hurt, who isn’t paying extra

Obama confesses to treason and resigns, co-conspirators are in custody, Hillary Clinton sworn in as president…

…is how this headline reads.  Here are a few of the sordid details:

Washington, D.C., April 1 — U.S. President Barack Obama has resigned after confessing to treason. Obama named his co-conspirators and the FBI has taken all but one into custody in undisclosed locations.

Obama told FBI investigators that his primary co-conspirators were Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn. He revealed that they have spent the last 40 years devising a master plan for collapsing the U.S. economy by overwhelming it with taxes, debt and new spending programs. Obama also named as a primary co-conspirator billionaire investor George Soros, and said that it was market manipulations by Soros that began the financial meltdown in September when Obama was trailing the McCain-Palin ticket in the polls.

So far Obama has refused to name his al Quaeda handlers, who communicated with him through the Blackberry PDA he insisted on keeping after becoming president despite warnings that no such device can be kept secure.

Obama also named as co-conspirators Vice President Joseph Biden (first in line of succession to the presidency); House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (second in line of succession to the presidency); Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid; Senate Banking Committee Chairman Christopher Dodd; Senator Robert Byrd (who is also the Senate president pro tempore and third in line of succession to the presidency); House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank; Senior Advisor David Axelrod; his former chief campaign manager, David Plouffe; and his White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel. Emanuel has disappeared and is thought to have escaped to Israel disguised as a Chasidic woman.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is fourth in the order of succession to the presidency. She was sworn in as the first woman president of the United States by Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts in a small private ceremony in the FBI Building in Washington, D.C., at 7 am this morning. Her husband, former president Bill Clinton, and daughter Chelsea Clinton, witnessed the ceremony along with all the other members of the Supreme Court and a camera crew from C-SPAN.

Of course, it’s April Fools Day, and a newly conservative lesbian thought she’d get her April Fool’s posting in just before midnight.

There are other fools out there, too, but in this case, the joke isn’t nearly as funny.  While at a meeting tonight, I heard that Obama has been indicted by a grand jury in Stockbridge, GA.  I called a local friend (who writes on this blog from time to time) to get the scoop.  It turned out to be yet another trip out into Birther fantasy land.

It Usually Begins with Naked Tax Protesters

suzannelogan

With a different sort of Godiva, here's Suzanna Logan, courtesy of A Newly Conservative Lesbian

Since it appears that a whole lot of people are going to engaged in one of the two manifestations I previously identified as “Going Galt” this April 15th, perhaps it’s time for some additional perspective on the process.  Jerome Tuccille wrote It Usually Begins With Ayn Rand, which he followed with It Still Begins with Ayn Rand.  Tuccille also “garnered publicity by sending a blonde in a body suit riding through Central Park on a horse named Taxpayer.”  Perhaps the next rendition of the book should be entitled It Begins with a Naked Ayn Rand.

Shudder.  Perhaps not.  Not unless Angelina Jolie will be the one doing the poses.

I learned by a super-bat-secret-blogger-email-cc list started (I think) by Robert Stacy McCain about the rediscovered topic of “Naked Tea Parties.”  In a blog posting, McCain mentions that “at least one young activist is considering the Lady Godiva approach to this situation.”

The current target of McCain’s e-affection has been invited to speak at one of the upcoming tea parties to be held around the nation on April 15th.  However, her attire (or lack thereof) is still up in the air. Former aspiring porn star (you’ll have to read her blog entry for those lurid details) and current political activist Suzanna Logan writes:

So, in the name of all that is holy (and parties, tea, and taxes), let me say that I can assure Mr. Reyes that “Blah!” will not be his reaction if he happens to end up at a Tea Party where I’m in attendance.

McCain will also be speaking at a Tea Party event — the one in Birmingham.  It will be nice to spend time with my old buddy and toss down a few beers — and I’m sure his speech will be entertaining and informative.  We are bringing him down to Alabama to discuss both the Beltway perspective and to tell tall tales of all sorts of Internet-related goodness.  Also speaking (based on the latest information I have available) will be another old friend, talk show host Matt “Mouth of the South” Murphy, as well as Alabama 2010 GOP gubernatorial wannabe Tim (son of Fob) James.

Dave asks, “If a Tea Party happens and the news does not report it, does it still have the same effect?”

If the media doesn’t cover these nationwide events because of the full-frontal assault on federal fiscal policies, perhaps they’ll at least show to cover any nipple slips at halftime.

This said, we didn’t need major media coverage to draw thousands and thousands to the last Tea Party event I helped organize in Birmingham.  However, I recall that the only reporter (Birmingham News) who showed at that event had to borrow my cell phone to call for a cameraman after he noted the amount of people in attendance.  If you will check out the hyperlinked photographs, it’s obvious what we didn’t need nudity to draw a good crowd in Sweet Home Alabama — but it may well be necessary for reasonable media attention.

Perhaps McCain is too distracted by nudity — or perhaps it’s a necessary evil to draw attention to the government’s response to our economic crisis.   Hopefully, he won’t see this billboard (courtesy of Glenn Reynolds) as he’s crossing the Tennessee state line on I-65 and inadvertently miss his speaking engagement. Whatever he does, let’s hope he doesn’t show up for the Alabama event clad as he was in this photo.

UPDATE: It’s starting to look like we might see some Naked Tea Party Jello Wrestling. The challenging went on for a few e-mails on the super-bat-secret-blogger-email-cc list, but now it’s out in the open.  Logan wrote the following in an update:

Because as the saucy bad girl Mae West once said, “Too much of a good thing is wonderful,” I hereby invite you to a Tea Party Wrestle-O-Rama between moi and Ms. “hotMES” Stuart.

Monique Stuart responded here:

Here is my suggestion, as I have also been invited to speak at a Tea Party, in Richmond, VA with the promise of a free t-shirt. Perhaps, we should start our own naked tea parties. I mean, how much longer could the press ignore these if hot conservative women were showing up? It’s just a thought.

Perhaps I should up the challenge? How about a naked Jell-O wrestling match at a Tea Party? I mean, that would definitely ensure some press coverage.

Forget Alabama. If this continues, I’ll be heading up north towards Richmond.  ;)

UPDATE II: A media personality friend (too chicken to allow her name to be used or leave a blog comment) called to suggest that while I’m “a crude but entertaining” writer, I missed a critical hyperlink.  She thought this photolink should be provided with this sentence: “However, her attire (or lack thereof) is still up in the air.”

What does she know? She does national television and probably makes more money than me.  What do I know? I do Internet and probably have a lot more fun.  But I don’t necessarily do it for a living.

Whatever…  I’ve always thought that shot of Marilyn Monroe is hotter than the grimy street grate version.  Still not as healthy for you as the “Got Milk?” shot, though.

UPDATE III: Back to the über-secret “super-bat-secret-blogger-email-cc list”, there seems to be some competition between the DC/NOVA/Richmond area and Alabama. Having lived in both places, I’ll suggest that chicks people-of-the-XX-chromosomal makeup are certainly hotter in northern Alabama. Here are some photos of two booby brunette ‘bama Bob Barr babes who will be attending the Birmingham brouhaha.

Social commentary, disguised as a video game review

I am a cynically romantic optimistic pessimist. I am neither liberal, nor conservative. I am a (somewhat disgruntled) muscular minarchist… something like a constructive anarchist.

Basically what that means, is that I believe, all things being equal, responsible adults should be able to do whatever the hell they want to do, so long as nobody’s getting hurt, who isn’t paying extra

Leave it to Munro…

I am a cynically romantic optimistic pessimist. I am neither liberal, nor conservative. I am a (somewhat disgruntled) muscular minarchist… something like a constructive anarchist.

Basically what that means, is that I believe, all things being equal, responsible adults should be able to do whatever the hell they want to do, so long as nobody’s getting hurt, who isn’t paying extra

Quote Of The Day

Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao:

“President Obama and his new government have adopted a series of measures to deal with the financial crisis. We have expectations as to the effects of these measures,” Mr. Wen said. “We have lent a huge amount of money to the U.S. Of course we are concerned about the safety of our assets. To be honest, I am definitely a little worried.”

Sorry, Mr. Wen. Much like the mortgage lenders who have imploded have learned, you shouldn’t lend money to people based on their “stated” ability to repay.

Hat Tip: MichaelW @ QandO

Hope’n’Change, Jon Stewart Style

I’ve always enjoyed Jon Stewart. While I don’t agree with him politically, and occasionally some of his more sophomoric bits don’t quite resonate with me, I find his show one of the few enjoyable “news-ish” shows on TV. In fact, after Dick Cheney shot a friend in the face, on of my first thoughts was “I can’t wait to watch The Daily Show on Monday”.

One common criticism of Stewart is that he’s anti-bush and pro-Democrat. I think he’s more pro-comedy, and he’ll take his laughs where he can get them. So I was quite happy to see this:

Hope and Change, right?

UPDATE: My apologies to Comedy Central about the embed code. It must be something in the theme here that is causing it to break, and I unfortunately had to strip a few elements to make it work. Please note that this video is embedded straight from Comedy Central, and I would not have stripped out their additional elements unless I had to.

Reason.tv “Messes with Joe”

Despite President Obama’s assertion that “Nobody messes with Joe” in his speech before congress on Tuesday, Reason.tv does just that in this video entitled Real Man of Genius: Joe Biden

Just when we thought that with Bush being replaced by a virtually “parody proof*” Barack Obama would make life difficult for comedians, satirists, humorists, and bloggers, Joe Biden comes through in a big way! Between his goofy grin and tendency to place his foot firmly in his mouth at any moment, our new vice president is the gift which keeps giving.

Far from “No one messes with Joe,” how can anyone NOT mess with Joe?

» Read more

I love it when Dilbert gets political

Dilbert.com
I am a cynically romantic optimistic pessimist. I am neither liberal, nor conservative. I am a (somewhat disgruntled) muscular minarchist… something like a constructive anarchist.

Basically what that means, is that I believe, all things being equal, responsible adults should be able to do whatever the hell they want to do, so long as nobody’s getting hurt, who isn’t paying extra

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